Does your little one love to stall bedtime? One more story? One more cuddle? One more trip to the toilet? Sound familiar?
Our children love to be with us, and when this happens it demonstrates that a strong and secure attachment is in place. However, sometimes when our little ones need to have us near, it can cause stalling and big feelings at bedtime. This is often referred to as separation anxiety.
Separation anxiety is the genuine fear and distress that toddlers and young children experience when separated from their parent or caregiver. This can be quite frustrating and concerning for parents. I’d like to share some strategies to help make this phase a bit more manageable. Separation anxiety typically begins around 6-8 months of age and can persist until the child is 2-3 years old. Since emotional intelligence starts developing at 6 months and peaks by 3 years, it's crucial to manage separation anxiety effectively during this period.
To reassure you, it is 100% normal for your child to experience separation anxiety. However, we also want our little ones to know that they will be safe and can be happy when we are not together, whether they are at nursery, with family, or at bedtime. Our aim is to nurture and cultivate a sense of independence in our children as they grow.
Separation Anxiety and Sleep in Toddlers
If your little one struggles with being left alone at bedtime, consider these three things:
1. Is your child ever comfortable being away from you?
If your child is happy to go to nursery or for a play date with a family member, this should give you the confidence that they are okay with being away from you during this time and, as such, they can get comfortable with being away from you at bedtime too.
If your child is not comfortable being away from you, I recommend introducing independent play during the daytime for short periods. For example, you could put your toddler in their bedroom and say, “Mummy’s just going to put some laundry away,” and let them play independently for 5-10 minutes. Then pop back in the room and praise them, saying, “Well done! It looks like you were having so much fun while Mummy put the laundry away!” By praising them, it will help them learn and understand that they are okay and happy without you there sometimes.
2. Is it separation anxiety or something new they are not used to?
If your little one is used to you laying in the room with them at bedtime while they fall asleep and you want to transition away from this, you are going to get some protest. This is a big change for them. It’s not a sudden surge of separation anxiety; it’s a significant change from the norm and will take some adjustment.
If you are looking to transition to a new settling technique, I recommend a gradual approach where you gradually move further away from your little one’s bed each night until you are finally outside of their room and they can fall asleep independently.
3. Be consistent
Whether you are dropping them off at nursery all day, a playdate for an hour, or leaving them at home with another parent to get your haircut, be consistent. Establish a goodbye routine so your child understands when you are leaving and when you will return. This could involve giving them a kiss and saying, “See you soon, love you.” Building this consistency and predictability can help your child feel more secure during transitions.
I would advise against the sneaky goodbye! While it is tempting to slip away while your little one is distracted or asleep, it could actually exacerbate the separation anxiety, undermine their trust, and create uncertainty. Instead, make goodbyes really clear and consistent and reassure your child that you will return.
If you need help with your toddler’s bedtime routine and with managing separation anxiety and independent sleep, please get in touch for a free 15-minute phone call to see how I can help.